Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

[weakmagneto]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. One day he was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the young man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one." The young man thought for a minute and said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages and CAPTCHA.

[mtbturtle]

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the philosophy department, “I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars.” Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.” The professor says, “I should have taken the money." ~ Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar

[charon]

Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar

Or the dyslexic man who walked into a bra :)

[Dave_Oblad]

Hi all, ready for another?

A hitchhiker found himself thumbing a ride outside a farming community. He noticed a fenced area with an unusual pig inside. The pig was missing his rear end and was pulling himself around.. strapped to a dolly.

About then the farmer drove up and asked the hiker if he would like to have lunch with his family, then would be given a ride up the road afterwards. The hiker agreed and soon found himself sitting at the farmers table eating lunch with the farmers family. Shortly the hiker inquired about the Pig.

Oh, said the farmer, that's Arnold. Greatest little pig you ever saw. Why just last year there was a house fire.. but Arnold came into the house, woke everyone, and saved us all.

The hiker asked if that was how Arnold lost his rear end.

Naw, said the farmer, why just a few months ago we were out on the lake fishing and little Timmy fell in. If it wasn't for Arnold diving overboard and saving Timmy from a speed boat, then Timmy would have been cut to ribbons.

The hiker asked if that was how Arnold lost his rear end.

Nope.. just a few weeks ago Arnold charged in front of a bus loaded with kids to stop it from plunging off a washed out bridge just around the bend. Save them all ol Arnold did.

The hiker asked if that was how Arnold lost his rear end.

Not quite said the farmer.

"Well how in the world did Arnold lose his back half?" asked the hiker in desperation.

Well, said the farmer, when you have a piggy as great as Arnold.. You kinda hate to eat him all at once.

Best to all,
Dave :^)

[weakmagneto]

I'm somewhat of a Trekkie. I had to share this...

[Watson]

I thought Tribbles were more cute and colorful?

[Dave_Oblad]

I was watching Sci-Fi channel last night and saw a commercial for Curiosity.com that I suppose is a place where one can get answers to questions. They presented a sampling of typical questions and I began to notice a pattern. Do you see it too?

What is the leading cause of Highway accidents?

What is Inertia?

Does the Sun cool off at night?

Why is the US lagging in Global Scholastic test scores?

If the Smart kids in school got Hi-Tech jobs, where are the Jocks?

Why can't our Governments balance their Budgets?

Is Skydiving safe?

How are Craters formed?

Best to all,
Dave :^)

[Deftil]

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

[edy420]

A Maori man, an Irish man and an English man are escaping from prison when a couple of guards spot them and begin chasing after them.

The 3 escapees disappear around a corner and hide in some potato sacks.
When the guards get around the corner, they notice 3 full potato sacks, but no escapees.

So one of the guards kicks the first potato sack and says "come out, come out, we know your in there".
To which the Irish man replies.. 'Meeeoooowww, meeeeoooww' and wriggles about.
The guards say, eh its just a cat, and they move onto the second potato sack.

They kick the second potato sack and say "come out, come out, we know your in there"
To which the English man replies.. "wooof, wooof" and wriggles about.
Eh, its just a dog! says the guards, and they move onto the 3rd potato sack.

So then the guards kick the 3rd potato sack and yell out, "come out, come out we know your in there"
To which the Maori man replies, "Potato, Potato".


-----------

As a reward for their failed escape attempt, the English man, Irish man and Maori man are sentenced to 20 years, locked up and the key thrown away.
But, the warden feeling in a good mood, decides to grant them one wish before the cells are sealed.

The English man asks for 20 beautiful young woman.
The Irish man asks for 20 years worth of rum.
And the Maori man asks for 20 years worth of Marijuana plants.

They finally cut open each cell door 20 years later.

When they open the first cell door, 20 children come running out, followed by 20 buetiful woman, followed by the English man, who with a big smile says..
"best 20 years of my life!"

When they open the second cell, a wave of empty rum bottles come rolling out, followed by the Irish man who semi steps out, and semi stumbles all over the place with a big smile on his face and says..
"bestesd 20 years os mys lifes,esed"

When they open the third cell, the Maori man appears from out of a marijuana jungle.
"cher bro... got a lighter?"

------------

The troublesome trio decide to enjoy their freedom exploring the forbidden lost jungle, a jungle of which its explorers never return.
And sure enough, they find themselves lost.
Until they discover a gigantic slide that was so huge, they couldn't even see the end of it.
The Maori man says, cher bro's, I'll do it you do it :P

But when the Irish man steps up to the slide, a magical genie appears and says, "this is my magical slide, just yell out what you wish for as you slide down, and your dream will come true."

But, the Maori man being clever, says "hey, don't we get 3 wishes?
Ah yes, says the genie, you can have your 3 wishes and use the slide!

So after a little thought, the English man steps up and says, "I wish I wasn't lost, I want to be in England, with more gold than the king!
and poof! he disappears.

The Irish man steps up and makes his wish, "I wish I was in Ireland with more rum than the whole of Ireland!
and poof! he disappears.

But the Maori man, after spending an entire day thinking about what he wants, still can't make up his mind.
He says to the genie, "aww man, I can't think of a good wish... I wish my mates were here to help me.."
and poof! the Irish man and English man appear.

After a little punch up, they realise they can still use the slide to make their dreams come true.
So the English man, without hesitation jumps on the slide, and as he slides down he screams out..
England! and he lands back in England with all his gold!

Then the Irish man jumps on the slide, and in his excitement yells out..
Weeeeeee... and he makes a big splash.

Then the Maori man jumps on the slide, freaks out and screams..
SSHIT!!

[Watson]

A joke trilogy?

[mtbturtle]

Irish rum??!!??

[Whut]

Irish rum??!!??

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.

"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,

"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Ye Olde Irish Jokes

bait ones x)

[Whut]

So we are not talking about a flute, musically speaking?

Well; Imagine a rich person saying that the gifted should be endowed with richness, while assuming, the rich are simply gifted. . . x)

[weakmagneto]

The first image has now been received from Curiosity on Mars...

[edy420]

Irish rum??!!??

An Irish man, English man and Maori man are having lunch atop a cliff.

The Irish man opens his lunch box and finds a bottle of whiskey, the English man opens his lunch box and finds bangers and mash, and the Maori man has kina, raw fish and muscles in his.

The 3 get to talking and find they have all had the same lunch everyday for the last 10 years.
The Irish man exclaims, he is going to jump off the cliff if his wife makes him the same lunch, just one more time!
And the others agree they will do the same!

So the next day while having lunch atop a cliff, the English man steps up to the edge of the cliff and opens his lunch box.
Woohoo, he says, roast beef! I don't have to jump!

Then the Irish man steps up to the edge and opens his lunch box.
Woohoo, he says, a bottle of rum, I don't have to jump! (ahuhuu)

Then the Maori man nervously steps up to the cliff and opens his lunch box.
Ah crap, he exclaims, he then jumps off and falls to his doom.

During that moment, the wives had all met up and asked each other what they made their men for lunch, knowing their men would jump off a cliff if they had the same lunch again.
The English man's wife said she made her man roast beef instead of bangers and mash.
The Irish man's wife said she gave her man a bottle of rum instead of whiskey.

Then they both turned to the Maori man's wife and asked what she made her man, she said..
"don't look at me, he makes his own lunch"

[weakmagneto]

NASA's robot Curiosity has made history and has landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of golf courses, beer or porn. This makes it VERY clear that men are not from Mars.

[edy420]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[DragonFly]

XX vs. XY chromosomes…

So, I see and like that females are doubly rated 'X', but when females do strange things, males must scratch their heads and wonder ‘Y’.

[weakmagneto]

:S

[Dave_Oblad]

Hi all,
Here is one from my archives..

In a college physics class the topic was probabilities in unobserved systems. The class decided to test the 'Schrödinger's Cat' paradox as it would apply to the laws of probability. Since we didn't want to harm the cat, we decided not to employ gun powder, as suggested by Einstein, nor poison, as suggested by Schrödinger. So instead we employed a wind-up alarm clock set ahead for twenty minutes.

We put the cat and alarm clock in a dark box and waited. After the alarm went off, we knew that two possible states now existed. (A) The Cat was awake or (B) The Cat slept through the alarm. The class voted on the expected results prior to peeking inside the box and observing the state of the cat-alarm system. Since the class voted unanimously that the the cat would be awake, it was decided that due to the probability nature of dual realities, that the class should be wrong 50 percent of the time.

Out of one hundred tests, it turned out the class was right 99 percent of the time instead of the 50 percent as predicted by probability. In the single case where the class had predicted the outcome incorrectly, the cat had actually died.

Have a good day..
Dave :^)

[weakmagneto]

:)

[weakmagneto]

“You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly.

Amen."

- Aaron Freeman

[weakmagneto]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

...The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[weakmagneto]

:)

[weakmagneto]

I was at Walmart buying a bag of Friskies Indoor Formula for my cats , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a cat. Why else would I be buying cat food, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a cat, I was starting the Friskies Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Friskies pieces and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the cat food poisoned me. I told her no, I was chasing a mouse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say........................ now that you've read it I have to confess, I copied it from someone else.. share and make someone else smile today.

[Dave_Oblad]

It was the old west and an old prospector had just arrived in town. The prospector, being new to this town and also very thirsty, stopped a local and asked for directions to the saloon. Entering the saloon, the prospector bellied up to the bar and ordered a beer. Before he could finish his beer however, some fellow burst into the bar and yelled frantically "Wild Bill is coming to town!" at the top of his lungs.

The whole bar immediately evacuated. All except that is, the old prospector, who continued nursing his beer. A few moments later the ground began to shake and a loud pounding sound vibrated dust down from the rafters. The old prospector went to the saloon door just in time to witness an approaching gigantic man riding on the back of a huge buffalo while using a live rattlesnake as a whip to urge his beast on. When the huge man reached the saloon, he brought his fist down on the buffalo's head, knocking it unconscious. He dismounted his massive steed and started for the saloon's door.

The prospector ran terrified and hid behind the bar. The giant man ripped the door open, went up to the bar and took up several stools. He shouted "BAR-KEEP?" and several glasses on the bar shattered. The old prospector peeked up over the bar and squeaked out a weak "Hello?". The giant ordered a bottle of whiskey and the prospector handed the giant a fresh bottle of whiskey from under the bar. The giant man bit the whole top off the bottle, chewed up the glass and washed it down with a single gulp that emptied the bottle in one shot.

At that point the giant man glanced around and bellowed at the shaking old prospector: "HEY BAR-KEEP.. WHERE IS EVERYONE?". The old prospector squeaked out a faint reply: "Some fellow came in here and said Wild Bill was a coming to town and that's when everyone fled out the door". The giant man sprang to his feet and ran for the door with his final words hanging in the air: "Wild Bill? Oh crap.. I'd better go hide too!"

Best wishes,
Dave :^)

[weakmagneto]

:)

[mtbturtle]

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

[Dave_Oblad]

Dad and his 3 kids had just settled down for a dinner at Grandma's place. Grandma asked her son what he would like to be served first. Dad said: "I'll start with some of those damn potatoes." Grandma promptly smacked him with her wooden spoon stating: "You may be all grown up, but I won't have you speaking like that at my table!" She then proceeded to serve the father his potatoes.

Next, Grandma turned to the oldest boy and asked: "What would you like first Billy?" Billy said: "I'll try some of those damn potatoes too." Grandma promptly smacked him with her wooden spoon, yanked him from the table and sent him to bed without supper.

Next, Grandma turned to the youngest boy and asked: "And what would you like first Tommy?" Tommy answered: "May I pretty please have some of those damn potatoes thank you very much." Grandma promptly smacked him with her wooden spoon, yanked him from the table and also sent him to bed without his supper.

Finally, Grandma turned to little Katie, the youngest child and asked: "And how about you Katie?" Little Katie squirmed in her seat and looked at Grandma hovering over her with the large wooden spoon. She thought it over carefully and said: "Well Grandma.. I sure don't want any of those damn potatoes!"

Best to all,
Dave :^)

[weakmagneto]

C-Harmony: Canada's #1 trusted online dating service for Conservatives. "It's not crazy enough that you like politics - why not date someone with your political views!" Enjoy this short funny video:

http://youtu.be/0H9CzsToUa0